


I got you, deep in the heart of me

by Bellakitse



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Boys In Love, Getting Back Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Maria is a good friend, Reconciliation, Self-Denial, mention of Alex/Forest, minor Michael/Maria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 01:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21205814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellakitse/pseuds/Bellakitse
Summary: Maria breaks up with him on a Tuesday as he sits in her empty bar.***Michael has Alex Manes under his skin, he always has.





	I got you, deep in the heart of me

**Author's Note:**

> title and a couple of lines from I got you under my skin by Frank Sinatra
> 
> anon prompt #33- "Sometimes I just can’t control myself when around you.” I slightly changed the wording.

If there is one truth that Michael Guerin knows about himself is that self-control, and Alex Manes are not things that go hand in hand for him. Before he ever tasted Alex’s lips back when they were just kids, he always had an urge to_ know_ him, deep under his skin like an itch he couldn’t get to no matter how much he scratched. When he stole his guitar from the music room, it was as much about the music and the quiet it provided as much as about the boy with kohl-lined eyes. After all, there were other guitars in the music room; he didn’t have to take Alex’s.

After their first kiss and now first-hand knowledge of Alex’s taste, of the softness of his lips, and even softer sounds he makes, his flimsy grasp on his control was all but gone. For the next ten years, he would prove that his self-control is nonexistent when it comes to Alex Manes, always caving, always craving whatever small amount of time Alex was able to give him when he blew through town on leave.

When he decides to move on, that all he and Alex do is hurt each other. He tries, he tries so hard, for his sake, for Maria’s and even for Alex’s. Love shouldn’t hurt so much he tells himself. He’s always loved Alex, he’ll _always_ love Alex, but he’s tired of all the pain. He pushes away the constant buzzing under his skin that urges him to reach out and touch the Airman whenever he’s in the same room; he ignores his body screaming at him that by Alex’s side is where he belongs, fused to him until he can’t tell where one begins and where the other ends. He focuses that energy on being a good boyfriend to Maria and tells himself that sooner or later, he’ll feel that way about her. He likes her, he cares about her, and it doesn’t hurt when he looks at her, but it also doesn’t feel like a magnet is pulling him to her when they’re together either. He tells himself it will come with time and that if by some chance it never does, well not all loves are meant to be all-consuming and encompassing.

He keeps telling himself this while hoping his face doesn’t show the battle inside him. He smiles when he goes on dates with Maria. He works at being friends with Alex like he asks after one last tiring fight. He makes a conscious effort not to clench his jaw when Alex starts dating some twink with blonde highlights, and to not sigh a breath of relief when the relationship only lasts a couple of weeks.

He ignores it all; he has self-control for once in his life, and it’s not bad, he tells himself.

But it’s not livewire under his skin.

Maria breaks up with him on a Tuesday as he sits in her empty bar.

He doesn’t say much; he just listens to her talk; he supposes he owes her that much. He listens as she tells him that a relationship isn’t a relationship if only one person is in it. She tells him that she wants someone who is passionate about her and that she knows that he will never be.

“You already have that with someone else, Guerin,” she says with a rueful smile. “There’s never going to be room for me in that head of yours, so let's stop this before we make things worse.”

He wants to _want_ to argue; he wishes so desperately for a moment that he could tell her that she’s wrong, that he’s moved on. She smiles again, this time more amused the way she does when he’s done something dumb but endearing to her.

“Can’t lie to a psychic,” she says softly. “I see it every time he walks into a room, the way you want him,” she sighs. “No one has ever wanted me like that. I deserve that.”

Michael nods. “I’m sorry. I tried, Maria, really I did.”

“I know, Guerin,” Maria rolls her eyes, but there is softness in them. “You should go.”

Michael nods once more, picking up his hat as he gets up, he gives her one final apologetic look and starts to leave.

“He deserves to know, Guerin,” she calls out as he reaches the door. He turns around to look at her as she continues. “He’s convinced himself that you don’t feel that way anymore. Where you didn’t fool me, you fooled him.”

She gives him a searching look. “But you’re never going to stop feeling the way you feel, are you?”

Michael shakes his head, can’t lie to a psychic after all. She lets a tear escape her eyes, and he thinks it’s for all three of them. She wipes it away and gives him a challenging look.

“Then why are you wasting time, Michael?”

He leaves without answering her; he doesn’t have one anyway. Or more like he has one, and it comes down to fear.

He’s scared of getting hurt again; he scared of hurting Alex again the way he knows he has. They’re finally friends, and it actually works for them, and he’s afraid of messing it up and losing him completely.

No, better to just keep ignoring the humming under his skin, he’s finally gotten good at it.

Of course, there is only so much ignoring he can do when the reason for the humming shows up at his place. He watches as Alex drives up to his airstream a week later. He stays seated in his lawn chair, gripping the armrests to keep from launching himself out of it to cross the distance between them and press Alex onto the hood of his car.

Alex fidgets under his gaze; it’s as surprising as always. Alex is usually so in control around everyone else; it eases something in his chest to know he’s not the only one lacking control.

“You can tell me to butt out,” he starts after a moment, putting his hands in his jacket pockets, before taking them out again. He has started wearing rings again, and Michael watches as he plays with one. “But Maria called me, told me what happened and said you could use a friend.”

Michael raises an eyebrow at that. “That’s what she said?”

Alex looks away from him, and he catches a faint hint of pink around his neck. “It was a weird-ass conversation,” Alex tells him with a dry smile. “Me, trying to be a good friend to her as she goes through a break-up. Her, bluntly telling me to get off my ass and tell her now ex-boyfriend that I still love him.”

Michael inhales sharply at the confession, marveled by the man in front of him, ashamed that he’s ever thought of him even once as not brave when he’s the bravest person he knows.

“Feeling like absolute shit at how happy I was when she told me you guys were over,” Alex says, taking a few steps closer.

Michael stands, taking a step closer of his own.

“Hating how I was filled with hope,” Alex continues quietly, his dark eyes staring into Michael’s. “When she told me that there was a reason to _be_ hopeful. Is there a reason, Michael?”

Michael swallows hard, the humming in his skin, making it sing. “When you broke up with Forest, I wanted to throw a party,” Michael admits, half a smile on his face when Alex lets out a chuckle, his eyes shining. “I tried very hard not to be happy about it, but sometimes I just can’t control myself when it comes to you, no matter how much I try.”

“So stop trying,” Alex says desperately. “Stop trying, Michael, and I’ll stop too.”

Michael looks at him, at the hopeful love he sees on Alex's face and knows his face is echoing it back by the gasp Alex lets out. They both move towards each other, hands gripping at clothes, foreheads pressed against each other as they hold on to one another.

“I’m scared,” Michael whispers, his mouth inches away from Alex’s.

“Me too,” Alex confesses. “I’m scared we’ll screw it up.”

“Yeah.”

Alex pulls back, his hands cupping Michael’s face. “But I’m more scared of going through life never feeling like this again.”

“You’re under my skin,” he whispers. “You’ve always been there even when I tried to pull you out.”

Alex drops his hands, but Michael holds on to him, making sure Alex’s eyes are on him. “Turns out the reason I couldn’t pull you out was that I didn’t want to,” he says, touching Alex’s face, his thumb at the corner of Alex’s mouth. “I have you deep in the heart of me, Alex, because my heart belongs to you.”

When Alex kisses him, years of love and longing between them pouring out of them, the humming under his skin finally settles.


End file.
